Friday, October 12, 2012

Nightmares, Guilt and Grief

Hello and welcome back.  The chapter I am writing today is difficult for me, but I need to write it.  There are times when I think that I have gotten over everything that happened while I was in Scientology.  There are times when I think I am over the guilt and grief.  Then something happens that brings it all back in full force.  The other night was one of those times.

 I had a nightmare that was so real to me that it ended up hurting me physically.  I dreamed that I had overlooked a parking ticket and got arrested.  The judge said that I was a very bad person for overlooking a thing as serious as a parking ticket and he told me that my sentence was a year of community service in Scientology.  (hey dreams don't have to make sense)  Anyway, I turn around and there a three big Sea Organization guys waiting to take me away.  I am pretty sure that these were the same guys that had not my Committee of evidence and Sec-check (you can read about that here if you missed it).  Any way, as they are hauling me off, I am kicking and screaming.  I wake up and I am crying and kicking the wall instead of these Sea Org guys.  My foot has been purple for two days and it really hurts to put on my shoe.

So this tripped a whole bunch of other things and I spent the day being miserable.  The feelings of loss and grief are sometimes as real to me as if it had all happened yesterday.  There were people that I really cared about in the organization, that I have never seen again.  Two of them died and I didn't know about it for years.  I am sometimes filled with sadness that I wasted more than seven years of my life for this criminal enterprise.  I am also angry at times over the money that I was promised and never got.  I was told that when I moved up into a class five org as an executive that I would be making a good enough wage to live on.  This never happened.  I worked at least 60 hours a week and never made more than a hundred dollars, usually it was between $20.00 and $50.00.

Worse, I neglected my sons because I was out of state and never seemed to find the time to visit them, Let alone send any money for their support.  This effects me to this day with bouts of guilt.  I was not there for them.  I had more important things to do, like save the world, Scientology style.

And I feel major guilt because I was in charge of the division that got new people into Scientology.  This is something the effects me daily.  There are times that I feel that I will never be able to work off the Karma that must be associated with that.  I was responsible for getting hundreds of people exposed, for the first time, to Dianetics ans Scientology.  Guilt like that can really get to you.  Even after so many years out.

I am glad that I have met many ex-Scientologists since I have been out.  I know that I am not alone in these feelings and there are people I can talk to about these things.  There are people that have been through much worse than me.  People who have lost much more than me.  And yes, they feel much the same way that I do about some of these awful feelings.  And there are people who have been out much longer than I have that still have nightmares.

Thank you so much for reading this post.   If you have any questions or comments, please post them in the comments sections.  If you feel that this post has merit, please feel free to pass it along.  Who knows, you might keep someone from making the same mistakes that I have.  Again.  Thank you.


  1. Nicely written Robert. All those who continue having nightmares could possibly attempt Lucid dreaming! And read TROM (The Resolution of mind) Avoid all and everyone who wants you to pay for freedom.

  2. I've had a couple nightmares involving $cientology and I was never indoctrinated into the cult. It definitely has a way of getting inside your head. I hope writing it out helps bring some kind of peace to you.